Thursday, December 29, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
Good Days, Bad Days & Not So Many Sad Days
I’ve been on the Happy Pills just over a week now. 11 days to be precise. Have I noticed a difference? I’ve been advised that they can take up to 4 - 6 weeks to work but I can report that I have had no crying episodes during these 11 days.
Maybe that is down to the pills, maybe that is down to me. Who knows?
I think maybe facing it head on and talking to the doctor about my crazy mixed up emotions has helped me. Definitely. I think maybe there is a chance I’ll not slip any deeper. I’ll just about be able to keep my head above water as long as I remember to talk to people about how I’m feeling. That’s ok as long as people are willing to listen!
I have felt angry for no reason. It just wells up inside me. Thankfully it’s not directed at anyone other than me, it’s just a feeling that descends when I do something wrong for example.
I’ve also felt confused or found that I’m not able to concentrate on things. I can’t seem to make a list and stick to it. I get easily distracted and this pisses me off no end cause I’m a list freak. I love writing lists. Things To Do, Shopping, Christmas Gifts, Cleaning etc……. I list everything! Now, I can only write down about 3 thing and then think “oh, what’s the point” So not me.
I’m still very paranoid. I still think people are looking at me and putting me down. I still want to avoid friends and family. I had to go into town the other day to leave something into my mum at her place of work and got caught up in a bomb scare afterwards. Now that in itself wasn’t scary, no. Problem was, my car was locked in a car park and I was unable to get it out due to the evacuation. I sprang into action and arranged for Ivan to leave work and go collect Caitlin then I crumbled. I thought no point in going back to my mum, she won’t want me to bother her. I walked around town aimlessly for a while, feeling sorry for myself, then started talking to myself! Bad move. I started telling myself to get a grip and wise up. Go get a coffee somewhere, take shelter from the rain until the scare ends. But I didn’t listen and ended up walking around like a lemon, avoiding eye contact for 2 hours and not buying a single item!
Is there any hope for me!
Maybe that is down to the pills, maybe that is down to me. Who knows?
I think maybe facing it head on and talking to the doctor about my crazy mixed up emotions has helped me. Definitely. I think maybe there is a chance I’ll not slip any deeper. I’ll just about be able to keep my head above water as long as I remember to talk to people about how I’m feeling. That’s ok as long as people are willing to listen!
I have felt angry for no reason. It just wells up inside me. Thankfully it’s not directed at anyone other than me, it’s just a feeling that descends when I do something wrong for example.
I’ve also felt confused or found that I’m not able to concentrate on things. I can’t seem to make a list and stick to it. I get easily distracted and this pisses me off no end cause I’m a list freak. I love writing lists. Things To Do, Shopping, Christmas Gifts, Cleaning etc……. I list everything! Now, I can only write down about 3 thing and then think “oh, what’s the point” So not me.
I’m still very paranoid. I still think people are looking at me and putting me down. I still want to avoid friends and family. I had to go into town the other day to leave something into my mum at her place of work and got caught up in a bomb scare afterwards. Now that in itself wasn’t scary, no. Problem was, my car was locked in a car park and I was unable to get it out due to the evacuation. I sprang into action and arranged for Ivan to leave work and go collect Caitlin then I crumbled. I thought no point in going back to my mum, she won’t want me to bother her. I walked around town aimlessly for a while, feeling sorry for myself, then started talking to myself! Bad move. I started telling myself to get a grip and wise up. Go get a coffee somewhere, take shelter from the rain until the scare ends. But I didn’t listen and ended up walking around like a lemon, avoiding eye contact for 2 hours and not buying a single item!
Is there any hope for me!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Weaning
We started weaning a lot of weeks back and due to my high charged emotional state I never thought we’d get through it but I’m happy to report some progress!
Now maybe, just maybe, that is due to my Happy Pills or to give my girl some credit, she has got her act together and decided that she actually quite likes food. Who knows?
The problems started cause I had forgot how damn messy weaning was. I was not prepared in the slightest! Stupid. Yes. But then again, I had that dark cloud hanging over me at the time and when the cloud descends, it fogs my memory!
I was not prepared for the flailing arms and legs.
I was not prepared for the fact that Laurens aim was better than mine and she was able to grab the spoon, first attempt, every time.
I was not prepared for the itty bitty spoons you use at the start. The ones that hold very little food and proceed to infuriate both mother and baby.
I was not prepared for the fact that both jars of creamed rice and packets of the stuff you mix with milk have a habit of returning back into a milky state the longer the feeding takes. Therefore you are trying to spoon feed a disco dancing baby some milk on an itty bitty spoon!
I was not prepared for Lauren to cough, laugh, talk, cry, shout, sneeze or rub her hands in her face at every single feeding time.
I was not prepared for Caitlin being in the room distracting her sister at every opportunity or wanting to taste some of what Lauren was having.
Basically I was not prepared at all and feeding time always ended in tears. Mine.
Now though, we seem to have a routine. I make sure Caitlin is out of the room, cover Lauren her chair and the surrounding area in cloths and just go for it. I’m happy to report that I haven’t been reduced to tears this week and have actually found it quite funny.
We’re moving onto something savoury tomorrow in preparation for Christmas dinner, although Lauren is still unaware of this fact!
Now maybe, just maybe, that is due to my Happy Pills or to give my girl some credit, she has got her act together and decided that she actually quite likes food. Who knows?
The problems started cause I had forgot how damn messy weaning was. I was not prepared in the slightest! Stupid. Yes. But then again, I had that dark cloud hanging over me at the time and when the cloud descends, it fogs my memory!
I was not prepared for the flailing arms and legs.
I was not prepared for the fact that Laurens aim was better than mine and she was able to grab the spoon, first attempt, every time.
I was not prepared for the itty bitty spoons you use at the start. The ones that hold very little food and proceed to infuriate both mother and baby.
I was not prepared for the fact that both jars of creamed rice and packets of the stuff you mix with milk have a habit of returning back into a milky state the longer the feeding takes. Therefore you are trying to spoon feed a disco dancing baby some milk on an itty bitty spoon!
I was not prepared for Lauren to cough, laugh, talk, cry, shout, sneeze or rub her hands in her face at every single feeding time.
I was not prepared for Caitlin being in the room distracting her sister at every opportunity or wanting to taste some of what Lauren was having.
Basically I was not prepared at all and feeding time always ended in tears. Mine.
Now though, we seem to have a routine. I make sure Caitlin is out of the room, cover Lauren her chair and the surrounding area in cloths and just go for it. I’m happy to report that I haven’t been reduced to tears this week and have actually found it quite funny.
We’re moving onto something savoury tomorrow in preparation for Christmas dinner, although Lauren is still unaware of this fact!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
5 Months
Lauren was 5 months old last Sunday.
She has really come into her own in the last few weeks. It is great to see her little personality shine through, although I believe we have a little "Drama Queen" on our hands. She can't take her medicine without holding her breath and stopping breathing, she also lets out a little cry-like-shout sound (as if she is freaking out) if she can’t reach a toy after maybe only two attempts!
She has lots of new sounds and blowing a raspberry is a perennial favourite. As a result, she goes through hundreds of bibs each day in an effort to stay dry. She is also constant with the “DaDaDa” which Caitlin thinks is great but wants to know when she will say “Caitlin”. I don’t think we’ll have to wait to long to hear that given the bond they share!
Every time Caitlin sings to Lauren, Lauren goes into a fit of giggles (we do too but for different reasons!) Beauty & The Beast is a particular favourite of Laurens.
She also loves to grab her big sisters hair and face. Luckily Caitlin is very understanding about this and says “She is just learning, she didn’t mean to scrab me!”
She has really come into her own in the last few weeks. It is great to see her little personality shine through, although I believe we have a little "Drama Queen" on our hands. She can't take her medicine without holding her breath and stopping breathing, she also lets out a little cry-like-shout sound (as if she is freaking out) if she can’t reach a toy after maybe only two attempts!
She has lots of new sounds and blowing a raspberry is a perennial favourite. As a result, she goes through hundreds of bibs each day in an effort to stay dry. She is also constant with the “DaDaDa” which Caitlin thinks is great but wants to know when she will say “Caitlin”. I don’t think we’ll have to wait to long to hear that given the bond they share!
Every time Caitlin sings to Lauren, Lauren goes into a fit of giggles (we do too but for different reasons!) Beauty & The Beast is a particular favourite of Laurens.
She also loves to grab her big sisters hair and face. Luckily Caitlin is very understanding about this and says “She is just learning, she didn’t mean to scrab me!”
Stage Debut
Caitlin made her stage debut last night in the Girl’s Brigade Christmas Show (the usual nativity with a modern twist). Caitlin’s section of the GB are called the Ladybirds and are ages 3 - 5.
I left her up early to get ready and the nerves were already starting to kick in, she was quite and chewing on her fingers. Once she spotted her fellow performers she settled down and they managed to squeeze in a quick game of ‘Chase’ before they had to get their costumes on.
I went back home to collect Ivan and Lauren. We were making this a ‘Family Thing’. One for all and all for one. Anyway, we couldn’t get a babysitter so the baby had to come!
So the stage was set, the lights were dimmed and the show started. About two minutes into the start and the Ladybirds filled into the hall to sounds of ‘Ooooohs’ and ‘Aaaaaaas’ and lots of camera activity.
Then we spotted our starlet, Caitlin the Cow! (she didn’t want to be a cow but then I told her that cows were very important as they kept Baby Jesus warm in the stable ~ don’t laugh, it worked!) The funny thing was, that for the whole performance she wasn’t standing with the other cows. She was a cow among angels! I’m not sure if she truly believed she was an angel or if she wanted to stand beside her friend but she was up on stage, in costume and singing her little heart out. That was the main thing.
We loved it. My heart swelled with pride when I spotted her and I nearly had a tear in my eye. Lauren was very well behaved and joined in with the singing too, in her own unique style of course!
I left her up early to get ready and the nerves were already starting to kick in, she was quite and chewing on her fingers. Once she spotted her fellow performers she settled down and they managed to squeeze in a quick game of ‘Chase’ before they had to get their costumes on.
I went back home to collect Ivan and Lauren. We were making this a ‘Family Thing’. One for all and all for one. Anyway, we couldn’t get a babysitter so the baby had to come!
So the stage was set, the lights were dimmed and the show started. About two minutes into the start and the Ladybirds filled into the hall to sounds of ‘Ooooohs’ and ‘Aaaaaaas’ and lots of camera activity.
Then we spotted our starlet, Caitlin the Cow! (she didn’t want to be a cow but then I told her that cows were very important as they kept Baby Jesus warm in the stable ~ don’t laugh, it worked!) The funny thing was, that for the whole performance she wasn’t standing with the other cows. She was a cow among angels! I’m not sure if she truly believed she was an angel or if she wanted to stand beside her friend but she was up on stage, in costume and singing her little heart out. That was the main thing.
We loved it. My heart swelled with pride when I spotted her and I nearly had a tear in my eye. Lauren was very well behaved and joined in with the singing too, in her own unique style of course!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Are you ready to go on another journey with me?
This one will be a journey on the back of PND (Post Natal Depression)
Talk about shouting it from the roof tops ~ all I've been doing since I've said the words out loud is talking about it!
I feel like someone has got all my emotions, shoved them in a bag and given the bag a great big shake. I'm all over the place. I just want to curl up into a ball and let everything go on around me.
Things came to a head when we went to a friends wedding a few weeks back. I sat through the service thinking "I don't want to go through with this" and I wasn't even the bride! I didn't want to put myself in the situation of meeting strangers, of talking to people, of smiling all day long. I felt I wasn't up to scratch with everyone else at the wedding. Anyway, I made it to 11pm (with help from the white grape, of course!). We went back to our room and I locked myself in the toilet and cried for 2 hours. I came our and cried for another 2 hours.
My poor husband didn't know what had happened. Basically I told him that I hate myself. I really do. I hate what I have become. I hate that I am avoiding people. I hate that I can go all week without talking to another adult, other than him. I hate pretending everything is ok, I'm getting tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is cry. I hate that I'm a shitty mum, shitty wife and can't run a house. How the fuck will I manage when I go back to work?
This was the start of a downward spiral during which I locked myself out of the house three times, walked out of a cafe without paying, cried at the drop of a hat and generally wanted to give up but I took the bull by the horns and made an appointment with my doctor.
I had my appointment this morning. They were running behind by about 30 minutes and I swear I nearly walked out twice! My tummy flipped and I was nearly sick. I tried to think of something else I could get checked out, like a sore throat but in the end I 'fessed up.
I explained that I hate myself and that I've been disconnecting from friends and family. The thought of things to come in the next few months makes me feel sick (1st Xmass without MIL, MIL birthday 2 days later, returning to work at the end of Jan and can't afford childcare, no childcare sorted yet, husband may have to leave work, will he resent me for this, my employers bought over and I may be made redundant by April ......)
Anyway, long story short, I've PND and she put me on tablets, Fluoxetine.
Doctor is getting the HV to call and visit with me and wants to see me back in a month. The tablets may not kick in for a couple of weeks but I should notice a difference by Christmas.
She suggested that I just to get through Christmas, without putting any more pressure on myself and to stop thinking about work problems until I see her in the New Year.
So, here we go. Will this be a long journey or just a trip round the block?
Talk about shouting it from the roof tops ~ all I've been doing since I've said the words out loud is talking about it!
I feel like someone has got all my emotions, shoved them in a bag and given the bag a great big shake. I'm all over the place. I just want to curl up into a ball and let everything go on around me.
Things came to a head when we went to a friends wedding a few weeks back. I sat through the service thinking "I don't want to go through with this" and I wasn't even the bride! I didn't want to put myself in the situation of meeting strangers, of talking to people, of smiling all day long. I felt I wasn't up to scratch with everyone else at the wedding. Anyway, I made it to 11pm (with help from the white grape, of course!). We went back to our room and I locked myself in the toilet and cried for 2 hours. I came our and cried for another 2 hours.
My poor husband didn't know what had happened. Basically I told him that I hate myself. I really do. I hate what I have become. I hate that I am avoiding people. I hate that I can go all week without talking to another adult, other than him. I hate pretending everything is ok, I'm getting tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is cry. I hate that I'm a shitty mum, shitty wife and can't run a house. How the fuck will I manage when I go back to work?
This was the start of a downward spiral during which I locked myself out of the house three times, walked out of a cafe without paying, cried at the drop of a hat and generally wanted to give up but I took the bull by the horns and made an appointment with my doctor.
I had my appointment this morning. They were running behind by about 30 minutes and I swear I nearly walked out twice! My tummy flipped and I was nearly sick. I tried to think of something else I could get checked out, like a sore throat but in the end I 'fessed up.
I explained that I hate myself and that I've been disconnecting from friends and family. The thought of things to come in the next few months makes me feel sick (1st Xmass without MIL, MIL birthday 2 days later, returning to work at the end of Jan and can't afford childcare, no childcare sorted yet, husband may have to leave work, will he resent me for this, my employers bought over and I may be made redundant by April ......)
Anyway, long story short, I've PND and she put me on tablets, Fluoxetine.
Doctor is getting the HV to call and visit with me and wants to see me back in a month. The tablets may not kick in for a couple of weeks but I should notice a difference by Christmas.
She suggested that I just to get through Christmas, without putting any more pressure on myself and to stop thinking about work problems until I see her in the New Year.
So, here we go. Will this be a long journey or just a trip round the block?
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Neighbour From Hell
We've had it with the guy next door!
A girl (we shall call X) owns the house but moved to England and started letting it out last year. In that time we've had 2 young families renting until their newbuilds were completed.
Now we've got this young guy and he has been driving us insane with his music. He is a taxi driver, keeps weird hours and his days off are usually a Monday & Tuesday or Tuesday & Wednesday.
We know cause he parties, has poker nights, smokes blow/weed and has the music blasting.
A month of so back Ivan had to go in and wrap the door at 3am! Ivan was livid. He said they were all lying around stoned or sleeping with the music turned right up.
Then about two weeks ago, same thing. Ivan went in and wrapped again. Next morning Ivan called down to X's fathers house to get a contact number and guess what he found out ...... the guy next door is X's brother His father said "ring X, he'll not listen to me!"
We then spent a full day on the phone back & forward to her. She apologised and said she wouldn't put up with it and would have no problem throwing him out if he kept it up etc.
Then on Monday night the music started. I had to hold Ivan back from going in. Last night same thing. Ivan tore in and started wrapping and banging on the door. They couldn't hear him over the music. Ivan then opened the door and walked in.
My stomach flipped. I didn't know what he was walking into, Ivan can handle himself but I didn't want it turning nasty! I hear lots of shouting, I swear I was craping myself. Ivan came back in and he was livid.
I rang X this afternoon and immediately she starts with this attitude "how dare your husband walk into my house" etc. I had to shout over the top of her that the reason he walked in was cause the music was so fucking loud in the first place they didn't hear him knocking!
We argued, then I said "fine, have it your way X, I'm going to get the police and the local council involved!" She started to say "I don't live there. There is nothing I can do" so I just hung up on her!
We have a local councilor (she is also the vice-Lord Mayor!) living on the other side of us. Lucky, eh! She came in tonight to have a chat and is going to take this up for us and lodge a complaint, something to do with nuisance noise after 11pm.
In the mean time, Ivan wants to move. I believe this is the best option. The longer it continues, especially coming into the party season, the more chance there is for Ivan punching the guy!
A girl (we shall call X) owns the house but moved to England and started letting it out last year. In that time we've had 2 young families renting until their newbuilds were completed.
Now we've got this young guy and he has been driving us insane with his music. He is a taxi driver, keeps weird hours and his days off are usually a Monday & Tuesday or Tuesday & Wednesday.
We know cause he parties, has poker nights, smokes blow/weed and has the music blasting.
A month of so back Ivan had to go in and wrap the door at 3am! Ivan was livid. He said they were all lying around stoned or sleeping with the music turned right up.
Then about two weeks ago, same thing. Ivan went in and wrapped again. Next morning Ivan called down to X's fathers house to get a contact number and guess what he found out ...... the guy next door is X's brother His father said "ring X, he'll not listen to me!"
We then spent a full day on the phone back & forward to her. She apologised and said she wouldn't put up with it and would have no problem throwing him out if he kept it up etc.
Then on Monday night the music started. I had to hold Ivan back from going in. Last night same thing. Ivan tore in and started wrapping and banging on the door. They couldn't hear him over the music. Ivan then opened the door and walked in.
My stomach flipped. I didn't know what he was walking into, Ivan can handle himself but I didn't want it turning nasty! I hear lots of shouting, I swear I was craping myself. Ivan came back in and he was livid.
I rang X this afternoon and immediately she starts with this attitude "how dare your husband walk into my house" etc. I had to shout over the top of her that the reason he walked in was cause the music was so fucking loud in the first place they didn't hear him knocking!
We argued, then I said "fine, have it your way X, I'm going to get the police and the local council involved!" She started to say "I don't live there. There is nothing I can do" so I just hung up on her!
We have a local councilor (she is also the vice-Lord Mayor!) living on the other side of us. Lucky, eh! She came in tonight to have a chat and is going to take this up for us and lodge a complaint, something to do with nuisance noise after 11pm.
In the mean time, Ivan wants to move. I believe this is the best option. The longer it continues, especially coming into the party season, the more chance there is for Ivan punching the guy!
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