Meltdown

My head is munched right now. I'm not sure how I feel. Confused. Mixed up. I feel I'm on the start of a downward spiral. I need to get the next few weeks over me. Fast.

It started last Friday. I thought I was doing ok. I thought the anti-d's were working. The I bumped into a girl from work at the local shopping centre. She asked how I was doing, was I looking forward to going back to work, what's going to happen with the girls etc. The usual chit chat. I stood there smiling, saying I couldn't wait to be back, couldn't wait for some normality, the girls - not sure but I'm sure we'll sort something out!

Then on the drive home the voices started. "I'm a dickhead" "I a phoney" "Prenting everything is ok when it's not" blah, blah, blah

I got into the house, dumped the girls with Ivan and locked myself in the bathroom. I was in tears and feeling like I was going to puke.

I was lying through my teeth. Why couldn't I be honest with everyone? I don't know what the fuck we are going to do about childcare and I'm due to go back to work Monday week! Monday week for fucks sake and I've got nothing sorted. I'm burying my head in the sand and I can't see a way out of this mess. It's really starting to make me ill.

I rang the HV and had a chat with her. She wanted to come out and visit but I've put her off and promised I'll ring again if I have another meltdown.

Then today, I'd to go to the GP/Nurse to get a rx for the pill. Just before I left the house, work rang arranging for me to come in for a meeting next Monday to discuss my request to work from home part of the week. They asked the usual "How are you feeling/coping?" I gave the usual answer "Fine, oh fine. Looking forward to getting back to work!" Started feeling sick almost immediately.

I broke down again in front of the nurse like a right idiot!

I just want someone to sort this mess out. Tell me what to do, give me the answers. I'm fed up. My head hurts churning it round and round, over and over, again and again.